Hard sell

Yesterday, I mentioned that after the birth of my son, “I raced out and got myself snipped.” Let me elaborate a bit; as with so many of life’s adventures, there’s a story behind those words.

I was dead-set on having no more kids. One was enough — more than enough, so far as I was concerned. But, at that time, there was only one urologist within a 50 mile radius. Yes, this is rural Arizona, and one guy had the monopoly on the maintenance and repair of male plumbing. He was also a bit of a jerk — but at least he was a competent physician. So, for my vasectomy, he was the only game in town.

I went as soon as my wife was sufficiently recovered from her own ordeal in giving birth to our son. Never before has one man been so eager to go under the knife. Onto the table I went, naked from the waist down.

And then the son of a bitch starts giving me a real-estate pitch.

You see, the urologist was part of a consortium that had built a medical complex across the road from the hospital — the very one in which his office was located. It was up-to-date, with all of the modern amenities, bound to appreciate in value, he assured me, and he thought it would be swell if my wife and I bought into the partnership.

And while he gave me the sales pitch, he had my balls in one hand and a scalpel in the other.

Honestly, if the investment papers had been on the table with me, I’d have signed them. Honored them? No. But I would have signed.

Instead, I gave the doctor as sincere a smile as I could manage, and told him I’d think about it.

As it turned out, the half-empty complex was hemorrhaging money. I didn’t know it (I found out later), but the place was about to go into foreclosure and the partners were desperate for a cash infusion. They didn’t get it from me — or anybody else — and the bank soon took over the white elephant. The urologist headed back east about the same time, though I can’t say for sure that the one thing led to the other.

I don’t know if his sales technique has remained the same. But I hope nobody ever tries to top my old urologist when it comes to the hard sell.

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